Survival Cooking

Of late, I’ve been experimenting around in the kitchen. No, I’m not suicidal, although it would seem that way if you observed the manner in which I ‘cook’ or if you are one of those misfortunate enough to have been subjected to my culinary skills. So here are some handy tips and don’t-try-at-home’s for anyone who intends to follow in my stead (What? I can’t flatter myself?!).

Today, we will be dealing with the steps involved in making Fried Rice. You will be updated on other recipes, tips and the likes, once I learn how to (or how not to) cook something else. Even with Mum giving me careful instructions over the phone (along with desperate pleas from her side, asking me why I couldn’t just order some food), I managed to make a mess of it. Not surprising, really. But let me assure you that you are in safe hands. I know what I’m doing (I didn’t initially, but after all the mishaps, I do now).

Let’s get started..

Step 1: Put rice in rice cooker [Tip: Remember to switch it on]

Step 2: While waiting for the rice to cook (assuming that you turned the rice cooker on), get started with the stuff that you mix with the rice... What’s it called again? Hmm... so it looks my dream of being a chef on television has been defaecated on by rats.

Step 3: So where were we again? Rats? I don’t eat rats. Do you?
[Tip: Stay focused, cowboy/cowgirl.. you’re in a hazardous area, .i.e. the kitchen.. Even a tiny lapse in attention could get you killed, or burn the house down in any case]

Step 4: Oh yes, the stuff that is to be mixed with the rice! Finely slice onions, carrots, beans and capsicum. If you’re going to be adding salami and/or egg, remember to precook it before you consider doing anything fancy with it, genius.
[Tip: Again, pay attention.. you don’t want to slice your fingers off. Don’t worry if the vegetables aren’t sliced to perfection.. it ain’t about the presentation. All that matters is that the end product is edible, which is the whole point of cooking anyway]

Step 5: Preheat a saucepan, add oil and wait for it to heat. Add ginger-garlic paste and stir for a few seconds.
[Tip: Stand back while adding the ginger-garlic paste.. the oil splatters.. and you end up getting ugly blisters wherever the oil burns your skin! Also, when someone says stir for a few seconds, they usually mean it. You don’t want to end up with a black mass having the same consistency as charcoal.]

Step 6: Add the veggies, stir for a few seconds, cover the saucepan with a lid and leave it to simmer for 3-5 minutes.
[Tip: Sitting and harvesting crops on FarmVille while something’s cooking on the stove doesn’t do wonders to one’s sense of timing.]

Step 7: I’m not really sure when the salami and/or egg, if any, comes into the picture. I suppose that it’s here. Meh.. be a little adventurous. So go ahead and add it to the hopefully-not-burnt stuff in the saucepan.

Step 8: Get the rice out of the rice cooker after it’s done. Let it cool for some time, lest it should become a gooey mass when mixed with the stuff in the saucepan. Ok, I’m tired of typing ‘the stuff in the saucepan’ over and over again.. Since I don’t know what it’s called, let’s just call it Chemical X (which reminds me that it’s been a while since I watched the PowerPuff Girls).ordered

Step 9: If you haven’t fallen asleep while waiting for the rice to cool or grown tired and from the closest food-joint that delivers, go ahead and bravely mix Chemical X and the rice.

Step 10: Isn’t there something I’m forgetting? Oh that’s right – salt, pepper and soya sauce. Two pinches of salt, two pinches of pepper and a wee bit of soya sauce should do the trick. If it doesn’t, just add more till it tastes right, or in this case, till it tastes good enough to be ingested. Mix thoroughly.

Step 11: Now this is the most crucial part. Feed Fried Rice to an unsuspecting victim
[Tip: Make it seem like you went through all the trouble of cooking it just for them and smile sweetly.. No, don’t smile like a deranged serial killer, that’s just plain creepy]

Step 12: Wait for 10-15 minutes. If victim is still alive and happy, and showing no particular signs of gastric discomfort, proceed to eat your creation.

Step 13: Pat yourself on the back and remember to thank Devathi Parashuram.

So until we meet again next time, bon appetite! Watch out for my show on Discovery Channel. It’s called Survival Cooking.. I’m giving Bear Grylls and his show, Man vs. Wild, a run for their money.

Un-rusting!

In keeping with the atmosphere and general humour of my blog, I present to my loyal readers, a new post (Yeah yeah.. go ahead and say it..say it..! Say, "FINALLY!"). I render this one is special to me because it speaks of those who have made me laugh on numerous occasions (which I will mention shortly), those who light my face up with smiles ever so often and those who continue to teach me not to take myself or life too seriously, ensuring that I dismiss it all with a hearty laugh.

I have tried as best as I possibly could, to re-enact and describe vividly the scenes and incidents that led to funny and witty repartees. However, I have failed miserably to capture the essence of what exactly got myself, and everyone present at the time, laughing. I am not entirely at fault though, because most of what follows is based on ‘spot jokes’, or in other words, jokes which may not seem as funny to someone who was not present at the time of their.. er.. cracking!

I’m a bit rusty with blogging, but here goes!

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Now, this little part of my post is dedicated entirely to one of my friends, Vinod, who can make even a funeral march seems hilarious. One can be most definitely sure of Vinod’s presence if gut-bursting laughter is heard in the vicinity. I have to admit that I hardly remember even close to one-twelfth of his spontaneous jokes for I never bothered to write them down (which was a result of laughing too hard while simultaneously rolling on the ground and clutching my stomach). I did, however, manage to locate some stray one-liners and jokes that were situated in deep-seated areas of my very limited memory. Read on, but beware of involuntarily cracking a rib or two!

On being not-so-in-shape, or rather, being out-of-shape:

You think it’s easy being fat?! Do you realize tough it is to maintain my figure? I need to eat enough of food and get the right amount of rest among other things.

When asked if he wanted to go to a discotheque:

It’s full of old men groping around in the dark. If you want to get felt up, go ahead, but do not count me in.

On getting a full-body massage done:

If I wanted to me felt up by strange men, trust me, I’d go stand in a bus stop.

In reference to the poster (on the right), that we came across in a certain Cafe Coffee Day branch:

That guy looks like he’s getting his arse f***ed!! [use your imagination ;)]

When asked what he would do once he was married:

I’m going to write a book titled ‘How to Be a Husband and Get Away With It’.

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Just a few random things!

There was this one time when my sister, her friends and I were walking down a road, and we happened to walk past a woman who was wearing a bra as an excuse for a saree blouse. That was when a flabbergasted Ken exclaimed, “Where’s the rest of it?!”

A certain movie was on tv, once, where one scene revolved around a woman kissing a certain gentleman. The same woman was then seen kissing another gentleman in the scene that followed. I do not recall who, but there was a friend/family member who remarked, “That’s like sharing a lollipop!”

A snippet of a conversation that took place on a catamaran, sailing on the Mediterranean Sea:

Anonymous (I do not want to reveal his identity): But.. but.. we weren’t asked to bring our swimsuits along with us!

Captain: Well.. it’s taken for granted when you are on a boat.

On failing to understand self-infliction:

Esha: Why do some people just gash their hands repeatedly..? Why don’t they just cut off their entire arm and get it over with?

Esha (again): I want rabbit juice. I mean, carrot juice! (A slip of the tongue..?! Hehe)

Even though I know my beloved Esha is going to kill me, I’m going to mention that she once thought the Bishop who paid a visit to our school was the Pope..! Hahaha.

My dad is undoubtedly the funniest person I have EVER known! As of now, I remember just ONE hilarious incident that occurred[=(]. My sister was in the tenth grade at the time, and was extremely nervous before her first board exam, not to mention that she also had chicken pox during her exams. My father was driving her to school and he tried to console her by saying, “Its ok. Even if you fail this time, you can always write the exams next year.” She burst into tears.

Hmm.. so there are a LOT of people (Muffin People included!) bring joy and laughter into my life and the lives of those around them, but I don't remember exactly what they did or said that was so jaw-droppingly hilarious. I wish I did though.. I really wish I did.

I shall end with a very philosophical thought. Do you know what heaven really feels like? Let’s say you need to use the loo real bad and you are an hour’s drive away from the closest lavatory (and let’s also assume that you do not heed to nature’s call in the wilderness). Heaven is when you get to that lavatory, perhaps a lot later than the one hour that the drive was supposed to take, and finally set your butt on that blessed toilet seat and just let go! Heaven!! Hehe.

Tagged!

Ok, so I was tagged by Aditi

I'm not going to tag anyone else.. simply because I do not want to.

Here goes:

Five things you wish you could say to people (no names to be taken):

1. All of you put together are the best thing that ever happened to me.
2. I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.
3. Ugh! Just stop with the lies already.. You know I don’t buy a word of it anyway.
4. Don’t leave me =(
5. *blush*.. I can’t say!

Eight things about me:

1. My power of self-control ranges somewhere between 0 and 1 on a scale of 1-10.
2. I often have imaginary conversations with myself.
3. I will not leave home if my hair is not perfectly set. If I’m having a bad hair day, I will not step out of my house if I can help it.
4. Headbanging is the fastest way to dry my hair after a wash.
5. My high levels of tolerance towards certain individuals really shock me.
7. I feel stupid on a dance floor, just standing around and grinning stupid, shaking a leg every once in a while.
8. I ask questions incessantly. I’m afraid it will land me in great trouble one day, if it hasn’t already.

One way to win my heart (there’s just one):

How to win Devathi’s heart in less than 2 seconds: One bright smile will do, she might just fall flat for you.
Haha. Ok.. On a more serious note, just be yourself and I’ll love you for it!

Five things that cross my mind a lot (ok not necessarily in this order!):

1. What’s for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
2. *blushes again*.. Umm..
3. Oh no, I‘m already inside the examination hall.. I need to pee again! =p
4. Parting from my pretties, my precious Muffin Folk =(
5. Snickers

One thing I wish I never did:

Bite my dentist’s finger. But wait.. He deserved it..! Hmm.. So I don’t regret anything after all!

Three turn offs:

1. Sidey-ness (Haha.. For lack of a better word!)
2. Lackadaisical attitudes
3. Decaying teeth

Four things I want to do before I die:

1. Own a big porcelain cookie jar labelled ‘COOKIES’ in big big black letters (it must be filled with chocolate-chip cookies, of course)
2. Ride my future Ducati on a long stretch of road in the rain (the rain on my face, the engine revving beneath me.. *sigh*)
3. Swim beside a whale shark (the largest fish found in the ocean, usual over 40 ft.. Yes, a fish, not a mammal)
4. Bungee jump again, except without a cord this time (It still qualifies - I’d be alive till I hit the ground! WHAM!)

One confession:

I stole my sister’s share of cookies and ate them in the bathroom without her knowledge.

Life's Lil' Lessons!

One thing this blog entry is NOT - a spiritual odyssey. The sole reason for this would be that the following are lessons that I have learnt in MY lifetime… and I am unashamed to boldly say that I don’t have even a smattering of spirituality in me. That said and done, I shall proceed with my latest entry – Life's Lil' Lessons! Basically these are a few lessons that I learnt through my own experiences and experiences of those around me, most of them are humourous. These are lessons you would NEVER come across in a book like “A Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” (Ok that was just an allusion).

Kindly note: I did not learn these very practical lessons in the same order as below. I have randomly entered them and numbered them for my own convenience.

Lesson #1:

Always check if your pants are zipped before you walk out of the house.

How I learnt this valuable lesson you ask? Well its simple enough… I forgot to zip up my pants one fateful evening when I walked to Food World across my house. I was just walking around blithely enough, picking up groceries for mum and mentally ticking them off the list I held in my hand. It was the second time I was walking past the grocery section since I still hadn’t found most things on that blessed list and it was then that my neighbour’s middle-aged maid spotted me and instead of a casual smile or sign of recognition, she ended up pointing at my groin and yelling “JIP (zip) MA, JIPPU (zip-pu)” from the other end of the grocery section. Ah well… a lesson well learnt by me and everyone else present within earshot! Thank you lady.

Lesson #2:

When you’re in a chemistry lab, it’s advisable to avoid sniffing the contents of your test tube, especially when one of them is concentrated sulphuric acid.

Hmmm… this was one of the things I learnt the “Devathi way” (which is basically much speedier than the wrong way). The 11^th Science class was having practicals up in the chem lab and I was standing at my usual position (first row, back facing the teacher). We were doing a salt analysis experiment and I happened to come across the Ethyl Acetate Test in my procedure sheet (I still hadn’t committed it to my memory though we were required to). I wasn’t able to detect any other of the ions, so I thought I might as well give this a try. I begin to read and do simultaneously…

Ethyl Acetate Test: To a pinch of the mixture add a few drops of ethyl alcohol and concentrated sulphuric acid (I finally manage to find ethyl alcohol on the side shelf and do as required) Heat and pour the contents into a beaker containing sodium carbonate solution (I think I poured it the other way round, I’m still unsure). NOTE THE SMELL (See… I wasn't being ludicrous… the procedure clearly says you should NOTE THE SMELL!)

So I bring the test tube close to my face and take a whiff, not knowing what kind of odour I’m supposed to be anticipating. I can’t smell anything (nose block), so I bring it a wee bit closer. Ah.. I faintly smell something.. and hissssss…. The acid spurts out of the test tube and decides to corrode my clueless face. Aargh… I run to the washbasin and try washing it off. Oh no.. it won’t stop burning through my skin… Aargh.. get this off me now!! The lab assistant finally applies some Burnol on the patches of charred skin to soothe it.. the burning sensation faded, but unfortunately I couldn’t rid myself of the damned scars that easily.

Lesson #3:

When your dentist is a complete dick, the best way to pay him back is by biting his finger when it’s in your mouth…by biting down hard.

Come on, it’s ok to be a little vindictive sometimes, especially when your dentist is least bothered about looking where he jabs his sharp-ended instruments (usually the upper palate and the gums) and focuses more on arguing with your dad about politics.

Lesson #4:

When you are having a cataclysmic fight with an older sibling, don’t stab the hell out of them with a sharply pointed pencil… I think it hurts. Lol.

Yeah I do think it hurts… I was too young to understand why my sister was infuriated further after I stabbed her with a pencil. Now I presume that it must’ve hurt.

Lesson #5:

Tricycles canNOT scale walls, despite what they show in cartoons.

Ouch.. this one hurt.. a lot. Again, it was learnt the ‘Devathi way’, after I got my skull cracked trying to vertically scale a wall in my house on my cousin brother’s tricycle. Geez… I’m guessing it was too much Cartoon Network for me back then. *sigh*

Lesson #6:

When your older sister is walking into a men’s restroom unknowingly, it is rather entertaining to watch and laugh, but remember to do so at a distance lest you should be physically injured by her.

I need not say more.

Lesson #7:

When you are of the age four and have still not learnt to swim, you shouldn’t abandon the florid floating tube your parents put you in and try to act a whole lot bigger than your age. You will inevitably drown.

Yeah… that was my first drowning experience and my mum had to jump into the pool to drag me out.

Lesson #8:

If you have drowned at the age of four and still haven’t learnt how to swim, you should not be on a water slide leading to the deep end of a pool.

I guess lesson #7 wasn’t of much value to me and I learned nothing from it. The result was that I was drowning for the second time in my life and this time a waiter had to throw the tray he was holding and jump into the pool, fully-clothed, in order to save me.

Phew.. drowning is one unique experience.. you see the crystal blue water surging around you (if the pool is clean!) as you make futile attempts and desperate gesticulations to try to get to the surface to breathe. The sight is pretty in way though.. the tiny air bubbles escaping from your mouth as you gasp and a mouthful of chlorinated water is forcing itself down your throat and lungs and the sudden sharp clarity with which you see the tiles at the bottom.

Lesson #9:

If you have had two drowning experiences already, it’s about time you went for a few swimming lessons because swimming isn’t as easy as it seems on Baywatch.

Ummm… I was still a juvenile idiot and was inspired to give swimming another shot after watching a few Baywatch episodes and imitating the lifeguards swimming on my bed. Well, everything’s not as easy as it seems.. and this time, it was another kid in the pool who saved my life.

Lesson #10:

If you happen to be inexorably deranged like myself and decide to set a handful of snow spray on fire, know this first – snow spray is inflammable.

This I discovered during my cousin’s birthday. I happened to get my hands on a snow spray can and sprayed a lot of it onto my palm. My cousin and his friend were playing with one of the candles on the cake, so I came up with a bright idea… why not try to set the snow spray on my palm on fire?! My hand was ablaze in a few milliseconds and I desperately tried to douse it out my shaking it off. Unbelievably, the blazing snow spray just slid off my hand and continued burning on the ground.

Lesson #11:

The laws of physics are universally applicable.

I remember reading once that in an elastic collision, if a massive body and a proportionally smaller body collide, the smaller body will recoil with the velocity of the massive body and the latter will continue to move in the same direction with an unchanged velocity (or something along those lines, physics isn’t really my thing). Well what do you know? It’s true!! Jayalakshmi (the massive body) took my precious black Adidas sipper bottle and ran away to go assault someone with its contents by throwing it on them. I (the comparatively teeny-weeny body), fearing the fate of my bottle ran after her and ended up directly in her path. I did not know what hit me then. All I knew was that I was reeling backwards and losing my balance, I ended up on the dusty floor (with broken ribs!) while Jayalakshmi continued running as though she’d merely gotten a fly out of her way.

Lesson #12:

If you’re in a wave pool with your girlfriends and you notice that you are completely surrounded by guys, it’s about time you realized that you are on the wrong side.

During our school excursion to Mumbai in the 11^th, Water Kingdom happened to be on the itinerary and a few friends and I got into the wrong side of the wave pool, completely oblivious to it until the lifeguard announced it over a microphone. Hmmm… was rather embarrassing!

Lesson #13:

When you accidentally lean over a guy sitting next to you on a train, you don’t turn to him and say “Oh shit.. I’m so sorry, I thought you were a suitcase!”

Hahahahahaha… My Lil’ Manipid did that during our excursion! Haha.. she didn’t realize that she was leaning with her back on a guy until we told her and that’s what she turned and said to him! Lol.

Lesson #14:

When you’re eating pani puri with your friends, it’s advisable not to stuff a HUGE one in your mouth and try to shove it down your throat because your friends will burst out laughing and the pani (the green water thingey) will probably come out through your nose.

In Esha’s case, the pani apparently came out through her eyes.. and this made us laugh even harder! Hahahaha…!

Lesson #15:

When someone's taking a group picture for you and they say "Say cheeeeeese!", the ideal response should be to smile widely and not say "NO" to the person.

Chong-chong my darling, that goes out to you! Muah! Lol. Loved your response to the McDonald's guy baby!

Lesson #16:

When you're having yoga classes in school and asked to lie down in 'shavasan' (a posture in yoga that basically just requires one to lie down on the floor!), refrain from falling asleep because everyone around you will sit up when they are asked to and will notice that you have not budged for the past twenty minutes!

Esha!!! I know that you don't want me to mention this here (be glad I'm not mentioning the other stuff!) but this was way too funny! Oh my goodness.. I will never forget that yoga class and the way Misbah had to wake you up!

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Well I've learnt a lot more than mentioned above, but as usual, I lose my patience trying to type it all out. Hope this has been an educational and "enlightening" experience for you!

Just Beyond Me

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Ah…the wonderful world of Organic Chemistry…where the carbon atom is the supreme ruler of the side-chain universe. A universe governed by nomenclature, catalysts, temperatures, pressures, functional groups, isomers and the likes. In short – an abstruse universe that makes utterly no sense to me and basically, a universe I don’t give a rat’s ass about.

With less than a week left for my exams, my conscience finally pricked so hard that I just HAD to open my dreaded chemistry book (read: BLOCK…it really resembles a block of solid concrete…and its just as hard to open and weighs approximately 12 kgs!) and glance at the hundreds and thousands of pages, full of equations and gibberish in some other language that just escapes my understanding of the subject. “Ok….”, I think to myself, “You can do this…c’mon girl…you show ‘em who’s boss!”…So I begin my conquest…"Ok… calm down…this is making sense…(isn’t it?)…Chill maadi”…But another nasty voice somewhere inside my head screams, “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU KIDDING MATE?!”. I decide to try a little harder and put a little more effort into it…but alas, its not working. My brain cells are DYING. They’re pounding against my impenetrable skull (which comes along with an in-built organic-chemistry-barrier)…they’re screaming, "LET ME OUT...have some mercy on us!!!!” Aaaargh….I can’t take it anymore! I try restraining them with my mind’s invisible hands (yes, HANDS…just like a mind’s eye!)…Oh no…They’re too strong! Finally…my iron will manages to vanquish their vain efforts (yeah right!).

My book currently turned to the chapter – Alcohols, I begin to feel thirsty. I’m losing my focus. Ok…one shot of vodka won’t do any harm. Now, I shift my undivided attention back to chemistry.

WHY the hell would anybody care about what temperature, pressure and catalyst is required for ethylene glycol and acetaldehyde to give cyclic acetal? Oh, by the way, I should probably mention that it has to be treated with p-toulenesulphonic acid (say what?!)

Page 216743265765:

Inter-conversion of alcohols:

Half the goddamn chapter is based solely on this!

Add acidified potassium dichromate solution to a secondary alcohol in order to obtain a blessed ketone. Then add a Grignard reagent to give an alkoxy magnesium bromide compound, which then undergoes acidic hydrolysis to give a tertiary alcohol.

Splendid isn’t it? I THINK NOT! All I see when I read the above is, “One quarter of vodka + one shot of tequila + 2 pegs of white rum + a lil’ Bailey’s Irish Cream = One hell of a drink…I must try this out!” What useful information is this textbook giving me anyway? Do they ever mention how to convert vodka into gin? NO! When you’re relishing a Breezer, do you ever consider all the conked-up chemical reactions that were forced upon the poor, innocent reactants that had to exchange Avogadro's number of molecules, ions, electrons...WHATEVER, in order to produce the drink? Ok…maybe I should’ve just stuck to one shot of vodka with juice instead of three…Hmmm…. These compounds look pretty…OoooooOooooooOOo…. Ethanoic acid…Yummy…. The page is a blur now…. Hey…are the arrows leading from the reactants to the products supposed to be dancing on and off the page? Wow…I love yrtsimehc…I mean, chemistry.

Yep…that’s about all I can really recall from my last attempt to stuff chemistry into my head…the last thing I remember thinking was, “Hmmm organic chemistry and vodka aren’t compatible reactants when passing-the-exam is supposed to be the product…Wish I had a magical catalyst!"

I leave you with a taunting image of our blessed text books...torn and tattered as they are, an object of my anger...

Devilish Indeed...

To begin with, this isn't some self-obsessed blog entry. For my friends who have known me for many years, well...you know most of what I'm about to write, but read it again for the heck of it! For my new friends and readers, let me tell you a little something about what my poor mother had to go through with me as a child. Firstly, I was a VERY annoying and stubborn kid, always throwing temper tantrums and screaming and crying (sheesh..I dunno how they restrained themselves from murdering me!)...my mother and sister tried everything they could to shut me up and calm me down. When none of their methods worked, my mum was so frustrated that she started writing a diary which contains evidence of my "evil-ness"..it also has a few funny incidents! Anyway, all of the following material has been substantiated from her diary (which she now shoves in my face to show me all she had to put up with)!! Read on.

This is proof of my treacherous sense of humour, inherent evil in all its innocence and my meta-physical methods of driving those unfortunate enough to be related to me, up the wall. I have included only the best ones (the first few are really innocent).

A few things my mum found funny, hope they make you laugh as well:
March 28th-1993(I was born in 1990):
I had attended someone's funeral and left Devathi with my sister-in-law. When I returned, she told me not to ever visit the funeral house again and when asked why, she said, "If you go there, you will also die". She talked so much even when she was just two and a half years old.
August 10th-1993 :
Devathi was reciting the alphabets. From 'C' she went directly to 'U', 'V' and 'W'. When I asked her what happened to the rest of the alphabets, she said that they all died.
October 6th-1993:
Meghal and Devathi had both gone out by themselves. After they returned, I yelled at her for going off alone without telling me. I asked what would happen if anyone took her away and she said, "See, I have come back home and nobody took me". I was dumbstruck.
October 13th-1993:
For three continuous days, Devathi brought her handkerchief in a muddy state back from school. When asked how she managed to get it so dirty, she replied, "My classroom tables are very dirty...so I clean them with my hanky".
November 10th-1993:
Devathi was playing around on the bed with a pencil in her hand. I told her not to do so as she may accidentally poke her eyes, and she replied saying, "Its alright! I'll poke my eyes, shut them, go out on the road and beg people by saying - Amma thaye, give me some money. I haven't eaten in four days".
November 18th-1993:
I had to buy some snacks for Devathi for her to take to school. Her dad gave me money in small notes. On the way to the shop, she asked, "Mummy, why did you take all of Daddy's money? If everything gets over, what will happen to us?".
January 4th-1994:
Devathi's dad was singing "Jingle Bells" while washing his face. She tugged on his shirt and said, " Daddy, you are not a small baby to sing that song. If you want to sing it, then go and sit in my classroom".
January 19th-1994:
My friend, Dr. Rhenu, had come home with her family. After she left, Devathi said to me, "Mummy, your friend is not a doctor like you said. She came with a purse instead of an injection".
January 29th-1994:
This morning my daughter said to me, "Mummy, I'll give you all the money I have in my piggy bank". On asking why she replied, "You ask Daddy for money everyday and you like money. That's why!".
February 8th-1994:
Devathi was given cough syrup by her dad and he asked her to lick the spoon when she was done. She curtly replied, "This is not a lollypop".
March 4th-1994:
We were coming home from Renu's house and Devathi wanted to go to her friend, Sohan's house. Her dad asked her the direction and she said, "Daddy, from my school you should go straight and then in a sleeping line".
March 20th-1994:
Devathi and I were watching a Tamil movie together. In one scence, the villain is pulling away a girl's saree and she tries running away, while calling out to a goddess's statue. After this, the saree on the goddess flies to her. Seeing this, Devathi looked up and sais, "If you also pray to God, God will give you new sarees".
April 14th-1994:
Devathi said suddenly, "Mum, I've got very little money in my piggy bank. If I grow big, you will become small and I have to buy you a lot of chocolates and I need lots of money".
June-1994:
We were sitting in the balcony when Devathi said to her dad, "Please get a new mummy. Let this one die and you bring a new one from the shop". Her dad asked how he'd know which one to buy and she replied, "Her name is Nancy. She won't beat me and neither will she fight with you".
August-1994:
Devathi's dad had bought her snacks for school the next day and she wanted to eat it before dinner. I refused, saying that my husband had bought it for me and she said, "First he's MY daddy, and only then he's your husband".
February-1995:
Mahathi was learning for her board exams in her room. I was sitting in the same room with Devathi and after a while,
she started to make a lot of noise which annoyed her sister and was asked to get out of the room. Angrily, she replied, "This is not your room and you did not build this house".
April 11th-1995:
We had taken Devathi to Manipal Hospital for her booster dose of polio and triple antigen. Dr. Mohan Rao asked her if she wanted a "pain" or a "no pain" injection. All she said was, "I don't want ANY injection". The doctors and assistant doctors in the room burst out laughing.
May-1996:
Devathi was dancing away to a song in my mother's room and she told the others (Trisha, Vicky and Nishanth), "See..even Michael Jackson can't dance like me"!
April-1997:
We were watching Bay Watch and there was a kissing scene. Devathi covered her dad's eyes and told him tat he should not be watching all this.
March-1998:
Devathi was grumbling about how her friend's dad got her everything she wanted on the same day and took her wherever she wanted on the same day as well. She was angry that her father wasn't taking her for a movie though she had asked many times already. I told her that I would give her up for adoption to someone like her friend's dad and this was her curt reply: "Why should I go? You divorce and marry someone like Sarah's dad".
April-2001:
Devathi's older sister wanted to learn to cook something every Sunday. On hearing about this, she went to her sister and pleaded, "Please cook only when I'm not at home. I don't want to be poisoned. Socrates was 70 years old when he died and I'm not even half his age".

This is one incident that my sister told me about:
She was telling me a story which began like this, "A man walked into a room.." and I cut her short by continuing, "..and the fan fell on his head". Hahaha...evil wasn't I?
****************************************************************************************************
VOILA! Bring on the tantrums!!!

My mum wrote-
"Devathi had been a troublesome child from birth. She had spent only one night at the nursery. Mahathi requested the doctor to let her stay in the room with us and she agreed. The nurse was glad and relieved as she said that she had had enough of the noisy baby fir one night. Thus began the tantrums"

May-1991:
I was returning from Chennai with Mahathi and Devathi by the Brindavan Express. At Katpadi, Devathi started to cry aloud. One lady said that she must be feeling hot. I took off her dress but her crying never ceased. I requested a man for his window seat for the breeze, but that didn't work either. Mahathi carried her and walked her up and down the aisle, but in vain. A little child in the compartment offered her a sweet, but that didn't work either. I was nearly in tears and didn't know what to do. Finally exhausted after three hours of persistent crying, Devathi stopped crying and went to sleep. The whole compartment sighed and people were commenting saying, "This baby cried for sooo long". This was a very embarrassing situation.
May-1992:
This incident seems a continuation of last year's train incident. This time, we three (Mahathi, Devathi and I) were returning to Bangalore from Secunderbad. It was a night journey. At 10.30 in the night, when we were all getting ready to sleep, Devathi said that she wanted to go to her "daddy" and asked us to get off the moving train at once. No amount of pacifying would silence her. One lady offered me a tablet that would put her to sleep but I blankly refused. I was very much embarrassed and annoyed because her crying was keeping all the passengers awake. Till midnight, she cried relentlessly and a fat woman in a salwar had come to find out the reason behind the racket. At this moment she stopped crying. Taking advantage of the situation, I explained to her that the lady would take her away if she resumed crying...and the crying stopped.
February-1994:
Devathi had fallen in school and her knee was injured. After bath, she started to jump about. In all her wild tantrums, she would jump about as if possessed and call me foul names. Today she asked me why I gave her a bath because all the mud from the wound had been washed away. Very angry, I asked the servant to go get mud from the road to put on her wound (I couldn't take it anymore!). For that she started her tantrum afresh, saying that she didn't want mud from the road, but only that from the exact place where she fell.

Another one of my mum's entries:
Why doesn't this child die? I cannot handle her anymore and feel she is possessed. Why am I being mentally tortured by this accursed child? She troubles only me and doesn't go to anyone else. Will I ever find a solution? I don't have the strength, physical or mental, to bear up to her tantrums. Nothing seems to work- soft words, beatings, cold water being splashed on her face...nothing!

August-1994:
I don't think there are any more tantrums from Devathi. She has stopped giving me trouble and has become an angel. On July 30th, she was admitted in the hospital as she suffered from inflammation inside the rectum. She had apparently suffered it for two months and we neglected. She spent many days in the hospital, but now her motion tests and culture show no problem. For four years I had grumbled about her, but now I'm glad and feel rewarded for my patience.

Haha..she spoke too soon! Read on...

October-1996:
Today evening she was acting funny without sleeping in the afternoon. I told her that I'd call her dad and she replied that I needn't call him to beat her. With this, she started to hurt herself, slap her own cheeks and bite her fingers hard.

And it keeps going...I really don't have any more patience to type all of it and I'm sure you don't have the patience to read it. So I should congratulate you now...you have just survived through this! Until the next time.....
Signing off Problem Child.

[To be continued due to popular demand *sigh*]

Haha!

This is in honour of all those people who have literally killed english grammar! Well I did also add a few grammatically correct sentences in here because they were just way too hilarious! I'm not gonna be mentioning any names to save those poor, grammatically-challenged people from public humiliation (hey! we all make mistakes...but these are just tooooooooo funny!...you'll realize once you read them).

A few things that my schoolmates said to me:
*I want to be a pilot! I just love driving planes (Hmmmm weird...I thought pilots FLEW planes!..Anyway, you go girl!...Let me know when you finally become the proud driver of your dream plane!)
*I want to friendship with you (Uh..no thank you!)
*Did you cut my hairs with scissors? (No, I didn't cut your HAIRS!)

Well, I had Gautami help me on this one..while we (the rest of the class) were catching up on our sleep during Hindi periods, she bothered to take down a few crucial "notes". Thanks to her, we now have a complete diary of the stuff that our Hindi teacher used to say in class that got us rolling on the floor... laughing of course! It must be noted that a few words are in Hindi so as to bring out the real "experience" of listening to her speak! Oh, I should also mention that she was a reallllllly good teacher, and we did NOT hate her at all...I'm just doing this in her fond memory! Here goes:

*Did you understand or do you want me to express it in more brief? (Uh...I'm "trying" to capture her accent as well...but its a little difficult)
*I came late and you're another late
*Ayyyy I took a five minutes extra in a 12th science to finish a one chepter (chapter)
*How many noise you make? By the time I got to a staff room all the teacher are asking me ki who has to go to the 9 'c'
*Ayyy I will give you a slap because no other language you understand (was directed at Divya!)
*Where is you? Where is you? Where is you? Aha! There is you!! (was directed at Gautami!)
*The first time I learnt a scooter (she means, the 1st time she learnt to ride one) I went so much kilometre and everyone was staring me
*I is talking, you is talking...everybody talking talking
*The sadness is a permanent on their faces (while explaining Chandragupt)
*Ayyyy you think ki if I'm sitting here that I don't have a ear or a eye? (to a girl sitting in the last bench and talking)
*If you're happy with the little little happiness then whatever the happiness in the world, who take it? (please help me understand these words of wisdom..I'm still having trouble deciphering them)
*He was agree 2 them both marry (she means that Samudragupt decided to get his son and some woman married)
*Don't copy like a blind man during the exams (oxymoron!! firstly-BLIND men can't COPY! secondly- its an all girls' school...so there aren't any "men" in the classes)
*Those who are not interested, I don't mind you sending out
*You should not have the more than one child in China but here in India, they have more than 10-10 child (wow! talk about family planning!)
*Tho you all start doing mischievous
*Tho for revision they have August month, September month and October month
*You had a Monday grammar? (did u have grammar on Monday)
*They will conduct the one puja
*Everybody will start shouting on each other
*See the how important the person is, the person who clean the road
*You should not give the less for the worker and the more for the adukated (educated) person
*There are many examples are there
*Tho they used to bring the water from the very far
*Now I will make you stand under the sun for the one hour (will trying to punish us for creating a racket)
*If you know the swimming, you can go to the deep and bring the pearl
*And you take this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, you can't find a nice and tasty (?????)
*Matlabb he want the such a time when his father has a doulat
*Aaj se no English talking
*I'll send you somwhere to see the whether you are the sher or the bhainse (bull)
*Hum sansaar mein can live with the less comfort
*What you're sleeping or tho kya you're dreaming?
*If you put a ten cup tea and a one cup sugar then what happen?
*They used to some trouble cause
*We got a soooo bad name
*Like a he is a talking to the God
*Day-night he does the bhajan
*He feeling very violence
*If one make the sound, everybody make the sound
*He said to bediya, I bow my head on you feet
*He will get a happiness up (in heaven she means)
*After your death you will have this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this
*Because she wanted the him ki to help me
*Leave the mischievous and do the work (directed at the entire class cause we were just having a ball!)
*He was taking the round and round in a room (walking up and down)
*Bharat is in India only (er.. yeah.. where else can it be?!)
BEST FOR LAST:
*A man who was a drunk come to house and shout on wife and child and kill to them

(K I should thank Gautami A LOT for this cause she gave me this book where she'd written most of the above! Thanks man!)


Ok...now it goes from chuckling-kinda funny to downright humorous! A few of Mrs. Kaveriamma's famous er...sayings (if that's what you classify them as). Well I should probably introduce her to those who weren't in the same 8th standard class as I was. To start with, she was our 5th physics teacher that year...and we still wonder from which halli she was regretfully hired. All I can say is that she has a permanent place in our memories now..and I'm glad she went back to where she came from (aren't all the ex-8 'c' students?)! K...read on:

*You ask my husband and daughter, I don't slap hard. (Hmm this situation needs a little background explanation as well. Well, Kaveriamma had just slapped one of our fellow classmates due to no fault of hers and her mother came to complain to our principal the next day and this is what she says in the princi's office! Gosh! her poor husband...she ill-treated him as well!)
*If you think you're too smart, go get married
*You laugh everything like a big buffoon
*First you ask for your papers, now you have doubts. What you think? Teachers are like cockroaches running up and down? (Maybe teachers were considered cockroaches in her halli)
*Remove you flats (plaits)
*Your smile is so beautiful, i want to throw YIT YIN the cowdung (Hahaha.. must thank Shruti for this one!!)

If you're not laughing yet, I'm sorry to say that your sense of humour SUCKS!