If You're Pissed Off and You Know It Publish A Post

There are people who are perfect relationship-material and there are people like me – the exact opposite. I cannot, for the life of me, be caught dead in a relationship beyond a certain point of time (usually less than two months). Of course, I don’t exactly have a track record to actually be working out the statistics or be even talking about how I’m a relationship-impaired person. All I can say is that I’m way too free-spirited to be tied down to one fucktard of a guy. I’m narrowing it down to the stereotypical boyfriend-girlfriend relationships here since I seem to be relatively normal when it comes to relationships with other people (the criteria for judgement being that my family hasn’t disowned me yet).

This note probably will, and I hope it does, offend a lot of people, but it isn’t one of my primary concerns (read: I don’t give a flying f*ck what you think). If you have issues with what you probably think you’ll be reading about in the following paragraphs, you can just stop right here. With that said and done, let me proceed with my rant.

Where was I? Ah yes. Relationships. Dating. Couples. I want to take all of them asinine teenage couples who think they’re soooooo in love, make them lie down side by side on sticky fly paper, roll them up in it and flush them down the filthiest pot that can be found in a public toilet. The world would be a better place without them. This is why:

1. There would be no hype over Valentine’s Day – what you’re going to wear, where you’re going to go, what you’re going to do, where you’re going to snog, what to gift him/her. May Saint Valentine go give himself a handjob. God bless him.
2. It would spare your friends the tremendous effort of rolling their eyes after each time they hear about how you and your boy/girl had this massive, nerve-wrecking argument over why he/she called only thrice the previous day.
3. There would be lesser eyesores. If you ever thought graffiti and men peeing out in the open was an visually distasteful, you haven’t seen couples and their PDAs (public displays of affection), have you?
4. It’s economical. No more spending all your allowance on some douchebag who probably has his tongue down some hot chick’s throat at the very moment you purchase a Ferrari sweatshirt for him.
5. It does wonders for your appearance. No more late night/early morning conversations over the phone, resulting in dark circles and other symptoms of sleep deprivation. Did you know that sleep deprivation causes one to age faster? Bet you didn’t. Dump him/her already. No more creases on your forehead from constantly bickering either.
6. You might have noticed the following pattern in conversations:
a. Single person – Single person = A whole variety of conversational topics
b. Single person – Committed person = Fewer conversational topics, while talking about their supposed-love-of-their-life is given priority over how you met with a freak accident and lost a limb the previous night.
c. Committed person – Committed person = The conversations in this case are SO mundane that they barely even qualify as conversations, so much so as inane rambling.
7. A lot of memory cells will be saved and can later be used to store information that is genuinely important, unlike monthly anniversaries.
8. You don’t have to endure countless pseudo-break ups following every trivial fight, followed by the days of torment after and the final kiss-and-make-up scene. *wipes tear away*... Oh so precious!
9. Lesser demand for ‘rubber’, which means lesser rubber cultivations and lesser deforestation to support rubber cultivations. Be eco-friendly and stay single. (Not implying that single people don’t get laid.. I’m not going into the statistics here, but I presume that couples have greater need for rubber)
10. Freedom. This is by far the most motivating factor. You have the freedom to NOT notify a certain someone about your whereabouts every minute; the freedom to speak without having to insert a ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘babycakes’ and whatever other strange terms of endearment in every sentence; the freedom to hang out with your friends without making it seem like you are compromising quality time with your little cherub *barfs*; the freedom to talk to members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if you’re bi/homosexual) without arousing suspicion; and the freedom to be accountable only to yourself (unless you have freakishly controlling parents/family.

Like Sunil once said (when he was still single and not necessarily unhappy), when you’re single you can really mingle. I now raise a toast to those with enough balls to stand alone and brave the odds of looking totally un-dateable. . !

Chilled Out!!

[Note for those who don’t already know: I now live with my sister and her husband, Vinod, in Chennai]

When all is quiet in the dead of the night and creatures of the dark lurk stealthily in the shadows, you hear a low rumbling noise. It grows louder and then fades away, only to repeat the same pattern over and over again. What could it be? You step out from the shelter of the bedroom and walk into the kitchen, and find yourself closer to the source of the strange noise. You break into a cold sweat, your fingernails digging deep into your palms, your trembling legs ready to turn and sprint at the slightest indication... and then, you find yourself standing in front of a solid white object. The rumbling noise seems to reverberate through it, as it stands slightly taller than you and much wider than you. Congratulations, you just bumped into our refrigerator! :)

My profuse apologies, I should have warned you about our refrigerator before you decided to spend the night at our place! By now you would have figured that it’s like Frankenstein’s creation, threatening to come to life any minute. What you haven’t figured out yet though is that our refrigerator is my laboratory, much like Frankenstein’s (maybe even cooler). When my sister and Vinod first bought him (yes, the refrigerator), they didn’t realize how he would change our lives, especially mine.

Maybe a little background information might help to better explain our predicament. We eat out a lot and order home delivery quite a bit as well, which directly results in us packing a lot of leftover food. We also go grocery shopping very often. While this may not sound particularly shocking, it is meant to be. Can you imagine parcel after parcel of leftover food being tossed into the fridge, along with the most recently acquired groceries, while at the same time nothing ever leaves the fridge? Yep, think of the whole Black Hole concept (I’m talking about Physics, so don’t let your probably-perverse mind wander), apply it to our fridge, and voila... there you have it – the principle on which our refrigerator works! You also gain a thorough understanding of how matter cannot be destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another, or in this case, from food to something-not-even-remotely-edible.

It’s just a frickin’ refrigerator after all, so why am I fussing over it, you ask? What can I say? This isn’t just any other refrigerator! Have your career choices ever been influenced by your refrigerator? I doubt it, but well... mine have. How, you ask? Microbiology, archaeology, physics... name it and my refrigerator has trained me in it! I have seen strains of bacteria, fungi and mould growing on the old rotting food in there that would be the envy of any microbiologist, who would be ever so eager to get his/her hands on a few samples from our very own fridge! I could start minting money if only I decided to culture these microorganisms and fungi, and commercially sell them. Along the same lines, Centres for Disease Control are going to be begging me to join their ranks, what with my indispensible experience with innumerable cases of food poisoning and other gastric diseases! Archaeology – have you ever carbon dated your food because it’s so archaic that you fail to remember which era you bought it in? I have. Physics – I have great expertise in this field, as I have already mentioned, so yes I might just decide to become a physicist. Watch out for that giant pendulum (random, please ignore)!

Lastly, our blessed refrigerator has done wonders for my health. Not only has it fortified my immune system after continual consumption of stale food, but it also gives me just the right amount of exercise needed every day. Don’t believe me? You should try shoving things into a refrigerator that’s ready to vomit out its contents each time the door is opened even by a crack. It also improves your reflexes because you have to be ready to catch things before they hit the kitchen floor (messy floor = angry sister on a rampage).

And this, this was a tribute to the most awesome refrigerator anybody could ever ask for. I’ll remember to thank Him when I win my Nobel Prize! :)

P.S. I might get sued by my sister for writing about HER fridge (as she likes to call him) without her permission, so if you don’t see any of my random status messages on your news feeds, you know that I’ve been thrown into juvenile prison. (Judicial proceeding baffle me, but I suppose that’s how it works no?)

Survival Cooking

Of late, I’ve been experimenting around in the kitchen. No, I’m not suicidal, although it would seem that way if you observed the manner in which I ‘cook’ or if you are one of those misfortunate enough to have been subjected to my culinary skills. So here are some handy tips and don’t-try-at-home’s for anyone who intends to follow in my stead (What? I can’t flatter myself?!).

Today, we will be dealing with the steps involved in making Fried Rice. You will be updated on other recipes, tips and the likes, once I learn how to (or how not to) cook something else. Even with Mum giving me careful instructions over the phone (along with desperate pleas from her side, asking me why I couldn’t just order some food), I managed to make a mess of it. Not surprising, really. But let me assure you that you are in safe hands. I know what I’m doing (I didn’t initially, but after all the mishaps, I do now).

Let’s get started..

Step 1: Put rice in rice cooker [Tip: Remember to switch it on]

Step 2: While waiting for the rice to cook (assuming that you turned the rice cooker on), get started with the stuff that you mix with the rice... What’s it called again? Hmm... so it looks my dream of being a chef on television has been defaecated on by rats.

Step 3: So where were we again? Rats? I don’t eat rats. Do you?
[Tip: Stay focused, cowboy/cowgirl.. you’re in a hazardous area, .i.e. the kitchen.. Even a tiny lapse in attention could get you killed, or burn the house down in any case]

Step 4: Oh yes, the stuff that is to be mixed with the rice! Finely slice onions, carrots, beans and capsicum. If you’re going to be adding salami and/or egg, remember to precook it before you consider doing anything fancy with it, genius.
[Tip: Again, pay attention.. you don’t want to slice your fingers off. Don’t worry if the vegetables aren’t sliced to perfection.. it ain’t about the presentation. All that matters is that the end product is edible, which is the whole point of cooking anyway]

Step 5: Preheat a saucepan, add oil and wait for it to heat. Add ginger-garlic paste and stir for a few seconds.
[Tip: Stand back while adding the ginger-garlic paste.. the oil splatters.. and you end up getting ugly blisters wherever the oil burns your skin! Also, when someone says stir for a few seconds, they usually mean it. You don’t want to end up with a black mass having the same consistency as charcoal.]

Step 6: Add the veggies, stir for a few seconds, cover the saucepan with a lid and leave it to simmer for 3-5 minutes.
[Tip: Sitting and harvesting crops on FarmVille while something’s cooking on the stove doesn’t do wonders to one’s sense of timing.]

Step 7: I’m not really sure when the salami and/or egg, if any, comes into the picture. I suppose that it’s here. Meh.. be a little adventurous. So go ahead and add it to the hopefully-not-burnt stuff in the saucepan.

Step 8: Get the rice out of the rice cooker after it’s done. Let it cool for some time, lest it should become a gooey mass when mixed with the stuff in the saucepan. Ok, I’m tired of typing ‘the stuff in the saucepan’ over and over again.. Since I don’t know what it’s called, let’s just call it Chemical X (which reminds me that it’s been a while since I watched the PowerPuff Girls).ordered

Step 9: If you haven’t fallen asleep while waiting for the rice to cool or grown tired and from the closest food-joint that delivers, go ahead and bravely mix Chemical X and the rice.

Step 10: Isn’t there something I’m forgetting? Oh that’s right – salt, pepper and soya sauce. Two pinches of salt, two pinches of pepper and a wee bit of soya sauce should do the trick. If it doesn’t, just add more till it tastes right, or in this case, till it tastes good enough to be ingested. Mix thoroughly.

Step 11: Now this is the most crucial part. Feed Fried Rice to an unsuspecting victim
[Tip: Make it seem like you went through all the trouble of cooking it just for them and smile sweetly.. No, don’t smile like a deranged serial killer, that’s just plain creepy]

Step 12: Wait for 10-15 minutes. If victim is still alive and happy, and showing no particular signs of gastric discomfort, proceed to eat your creation.

Step 13: Pat yourself on the back and remember to thank Devathi Parashuram.

So until we meet again next time, bon appetite! Watch out for my show on Discovery Channel. It’s called Survival Cooking.. I’m giving Bear Grylls and his show, Man vs. Wild, a run for their money.

Un-rusting!

In keeping with the atmosphere and general humour of my blog, I present to my loyal readers, a new post (Yeah yeah.. go ahead and say it..say it..! Say, "FINALLY!"). I render this one is special to me because it speaks of those who have made me laugh on numerous occasions (which I will mention shortly), those who light my face up with smiles ever so often and those who continue to teach me not to take myself or life too seriously, ensuring that I dismiss it all with a hearty laugh.

I have tried as best as I possibly could, to re-enact and describe vividly the scenes and incidents that led to funny and witty repartees. However, I have failed miserably to capture the essence of what exactly got myself, and everyone present at the time, laughing. I am not entirely at fault though, because most of what follows is based on ‘spot jokes’, or in other words, jokes which may not seem as funny to someone who was not present at the time of their.. er.. cracking!

I’m a bit rusty with blogging, but here goes!

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Now, this little part of my post is dedicated entirely to one of my friends, Vinod, who can make even a funeral march seems hilarious. One can be most definitely sure of Vinod’s presence if gut-bursting laughter is heard in the vicinity. I have to admit that I hardly remember even close to one-twelfth of his spontaneous jokes for I never bothered to write them down (which was a result of laughing too hard while simultaneously rolling on the ground and clutching my stomach). I did, however, manage to locate some stray one-liners and jokes that were situated in deep-seated areas of my very limited memory. Read on, but beware of involuntarily cracking a rib or two!

On being not-so-in-shape, or rather, being out-of-shape:

You think it’s easy being fat?! Do you realize tough it is to maintain my figure? I need to eat enough of food and get the right amount of rest among other things.

When asked if he wanted to go to a discotheque:

It’s full of old men groping around in the dark. If you want to get felt up, go ahead, but do not count me in.

On getting a full-body massage done:

If I wanted to me felt up by strange men, trust me, I’d go stand in a bus stop.

In reference to the poster (on the right), that we came across in a certain Cafe Coffee Day branch:

That guy looks like he’s getting his arse f***ed!! [use your imagination ;)]

When asked what he would do once he was married:

I’m going to write a book titled ‘How to Be a Husband and Get Away With It’.

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Just a few random things!

There was this one time when my sister, her friends and I were walking down a road, and we happened to walk past a woman who was wearing a bra as an excuse for a saree blouse. That was when a flabbergasted Ken exclaimed, “Where’s the rest of it?!”

A certain movie was on tv, once, where one scene revolved around a woman kissing a certain gentleman. The same woman was then seen kissing another gentleman in the scene that followed. I do not recall who, but there was a friend/family member who remarked, “That’s like sharing a lollipop!”

A snippet of a conversation that took place on a catamaran, sailing on the Mediterranean Sea:

Anonymous (I do not want to reveal his identity): But.. but.. we weren’t asked to bring our swimsuits along with us!

Captain: Well.. it’s taken for granted when you are on a boat.

On failing to understand self-infliction:

Esha: Why do some people just gash their hands repeatedly..? Why don’t they just cut off their entire arm and get it over with?

Esha (again): I want rabbit juice. I mean, carrot juice! (A slip of the tongue..?! Hehe)

Even though I know my beloved Esha is going to kill me, I’m going to mention that she once thought the Bishop who paid a visit to our school was the Pope..! Hahaha.

My dad is undoubtedly the funniest person I have EVER known! As of now, I remember just ONE hilarious incident that occurred[=(]. My sister was in the tenth grade at the time, and was extremely nervous before her first board exam, not to mention that she also had chicken pox during her exams. My father was driving her to school and he tried to console her by saying, “Its ok. Even if you fail this time, you can always write the exams next year.” She burst into tears.

Hmm.. so there are a LOT of people (Muffin People included!) bring joy and laughter into my life and the lives of those around them, but I don't remember exactly what they did or said that was so jaw-droppingly hilarious. I wish I did though.. I really wish I did.

I shall end with a very philosophical thought. Do you know what heaven really feels like? Let’s say you need to use the loo real bad and you are an hour’s drive away from the closest lavatory (and let’s also assume that you do not heed to nature’s call in the wilderness). Heaven is when you get to that lavatory, perhaps a lot later than the one hour that the drive was supposed to take, and finally set your butt on that blessed toilet seat and just let go! Heaven!! Hehe.

Tagged!

Ok, so I was tagged by Aditi

I'm not going to tag anyone else.. simply because I do not want to.

Here goes:

Five things you wish you could say to people (no names to be taken):

1. All of you put together are the best thing that ever happened to me.
2. I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel.
3. Ugh! Just stop with the lies already.. You know I don’t buy a word of it anyway.
4. Don’t leave me =(
5. *blush*.. I can’t say!

Eight things about me:

1. My power of self-control ranges somewhere between 0 and 1 on a scale of 1-10.
2. I often have imaginary conversations with myself.
3. I will not leave home if my hair is not perfectly set. If I’m having a bad hair day, I will not step out of my house if I can help it.
4. Headbanging is the fastest way to dry my hair after a wash.
5. My high levels of tolerance towards certain individuals really shock me.
7. I feel stupid on a dance floor, just standing around and grinning stupid, shaking a leg every once in a while.
8. I ask questions incessantly. I’m afraid it will land me in great trouble one day, if it hasn’t already.

One way to win my heart (there’s just one):

How to win Devathi’s heart in less than 2 seconds: One bright smile will do, she might just fall flat for you.
Haha. Ok.. On a more serious note, just be yourself and I’ll love you for it!

Five things that cross my mind a lot (ok not necessarily in this order!):

1. What’s for breakfast/lunch/dinner?
2. *blushes again*.. Umm..
3. Oh no, I‘m already inside the examination hall.. I need to pee again! =p
4. Parting from my pretties, my precious Muffin Folk =(
5. Snickers

One thing I wish I never did:

Bite my dentist’s finger. But wait.. He deserved it..! Hmm.. So I don’t regret anything after all!

Three turn offs:

1. Sidey-ness (Haha.. For lack of a better word!)
2. Lackadaisical attitudes
3. Decaying teeth

Four things I want to do before I die:

1. Own a big porcelain cookie jar labelled ‘COOKIES’ in big big black letters (it must be filled with chocolate-chip cookies, of course)
2. Ride my future Ducati on a long stretch of road in the rain (the rain on my face, the engine revving beneath me.. *sigh*)
3. Swim beside a whale shark (the largest fish found in the ocean, usual over 40 ft.. Yes, a fish, not a mammal)
4. Bungee jump again, except without a cord this time (It still qualifies - I’d be alive till I hit the ground! WHAM!)

One confession:

I stole my sister’s share of cookies and ate them in the bathroom without her knowledge.

Life's Lil' Lessons!

One thing this blog entry is NOT - a spiritual odyssey. The sole reason for this would be that the following are lessons that I have learnt in MY lifetime… and I am unashamed to boldly say that I don’t have even a smattering of spirituality in me. That said and done, I shall proceed with my latest entry – Life's Lil' Lessons! Basically these are a few lessons that I learnt through my own experiences and experiences of those around me, most of them are humourous. These are lessons you would NEVER come across in a book like “A Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” (Ok that was just an allusion).

Kindly note: I did not learn these very practical lessons in the same order as below. I have randomly entered them and numbered them for my own convenience.

Lesson #1:

Always check if your pants are zipped before you walk out of the house.

How I learnt this valuable lesson you ask? Well its simple enough… I forgot to zip up my pants one fateful evening when I walked to Food World across my house. I was just walking around blithely enough, picking up groceries for mum and mentally ticking them off the list I held in my hand. It was the second time I was walking past the grocery section since I still hadn’t found most things on that blessed list and it was then that my neighbour’s middle-aged maid spotted me and instead of a casual smile or sign of recognition, she ended up pointing at my groin and yelling “JIP (zip) MA, JIPPU (zip-pu)” from the other end of the grocery section. Ah well… a lesson well learnt by me and everyone else present within earshot! Thank you lady.

Lesson #2:

When you’re in a chemistry lab, it’s advisable to avoid sniffing the contents of your test tube, especially when one of them is concentrated sulphuric acid.

Hmmm… this was one of the things I learnt the “Devathi way” (which is basically much speedier than the wrong way). The 11^th Science class was having practicals up in the chem lab and I was standing at my usual position (first row, back facing the teacher). We were doing a salt analysis experiment and I happened to come across the Ethyl Acetate Test in my procedure sheet (I still hadn’t committed it to my memory though we were required to). I wasn’t able to detect any other of the ions, so I thought I might as well give this a try. I begin to read and do simultaneously…

Ethyl Acetate Test: To a pinch of the mixture add a few drops of ethyl alcohol and concentrated sulphuric acid (I finally manage to find ethyl alcohol on the side shelf and do as required) Heat and pour the contents into a beaker containing sodium carbonate solution (I think I poured it the other way round, I’m still unsure). NOTE THE SMELL (See… I wasn't being ludicrous… the procedure clearly says you should NOTE THE SMELL!)

So I bring the test tube close to my face and take a whiff, not knowing what kind of odour I’m supposed to be anticipating. I can’t smell anything (nose block), so I bring it a wee bit closer. Ah.. I faintly smell something.. and hissssss…. The acid spurts out of the test tube and decides to corrode my clueless face. Aargh… I run to the washbasin and try washing it off. Oh no.. it won’t stop burning through my skin… Aargh.. get this off me now!! The lab assistant finally applies some Burnol on the patches of charred skin to soothe it.. the burning sensation faded, but unfortunately I couldn’t rid myself of the damned scars that easily.

Lesson #3:

When your dentist is a complete dick, the best way to pay him back is by biting his finger when it’s in your mouth…by biting down hard.

Come on, it’s ok to be a little vindictive sometimes, especially when your dentist is least bothered about looking where he jabs his sharp-ended instruments (usually the upper palate and the gums) and focuses more on arguing with your dad about politics.

Lesson #4:

When you are having a cataclysmic fight with an older sibling, don’t stab the hell out of them with a sharply pointed pencil… I think it hurts. Lol.

Yeah I do think it hurts… I was too young to understand why my sister was infuriated further after I stabbed her with a pencil. Now I presume that it must’ve hurt.

Lesson #5:

Tricycles canNOT scale walls, despite what they show in cartoons.

Ouch.. this one hurt.. a lot. Again, it was learnt the ‘Devathi way’, after I got my skull cracked trying to vertically scale a wall in my house on my cousin brother’s tricycle. Geez… I’m guessing it was too much Cartoon Network for me back then. *sigh*

Lesson #6:

When your older sister is walking into a men’s restroom unknowingly, it is rather entertaining to watch and laugh, but remember to do so at a distance lest you should be physically injured by her.

I need not say more.

Lesson #7:

When you are of the age four and have still not learnt to swim, you shouldn’t abandon the florid floating tube your parents put you in and try to act a whole lot bigger than your age. You will inevitably drown.

Yeah… that was my first drowning experience and my mum had to jump into the pool to drag me out.

Lesson #8:

If you have drowned at the age of four and still haven’t learnt how to swim, you should not be on a water slide leading to the deep end of a pool.

I guess lesson #7 wasn’t of much value to me and I learned nothing from it. The result was that I was drowning for the second time in my life and this time a waiter had to throw the tray he was holding and jump into the pool, fully-clothed, in order to save me.

Phew.. drowning is one unique experience.. you see the crystal blue water surging around you (if the pool is clean!) as you make futile attempts and desperate gesticulations to try to get to the surface to breathe. The sight is pretty in way though.. the tiny air bubbles escaping from your mouth as you gasp and a mouthful of chlorinated water is forcing itself down your throat and lungs and the sudden sharp clarity with which you see the tiles at the bottom.

Lesson #9:

If you have had two drowning experiences already, it’s about time you went for a few swimming lessons because swimming isn’t as easy as it seems on Baywatch.

Ummm… I was still a juvenile idiot and was inspired to give swimming another shot after watching a few Baywatch episodes and imitating the lifeguards swimming on my bed. Well, everything’s not as easy as it seems.. and this time, it was another kid in the pool who saved my life.

Lesson #10:

If you happen to be inexorably deranged like myself and decide to set a handful of snow spray on fire, know this first – snow spray is inflammable.

This I discovered during my cousin’s birthday. I happened to get my hands on a snow spray can and sprayed a lot of it onto my palm. My cousin and his friend were playing with one of the candles on the cake, so I came up with a bright idea… why not try to set the snow spray on my palm on fire?! My hand was ablaze in a few milliseconds and I desperately tried to douse it out my shaking it off. Unbelievably, the blazing snow spray just slid off my hand and continued burning on the ground.

Lesson #11:

The laws of physics are universally applicable.

I remember reading once that in an elastic collision, if a massive body and a proportionally smaller body collide, the smaller body will recoil with the velocity of the massive body and the latter will continue to move in the same direction with an unchanged velocity (or something along those lines, physics isn’t really my thing). Well what do you know? It’s true!! Jayalakshmi (the massive body) took my precious black Adidas sipper bottle and ran away to go assault someone with its contents by throwing it on them. I (the comparatively teeny-weeny body), fearing the fate of my bottle ran after her and ended up directly in her path. I did not know what hit me then. All I knew was that I was reeling backwards and losing my balance, I ended up on the dusty floor (with broken ribs!) while Jayalakshmi continued running as though she’d merely gotten a fly out of her way.

Lesson #12:

If you’re in a wave pool with your girlfriends and you notice that you are completely surrounded by guys, it’s about time you realized that you are on the wrong side.

During our school excursion to Mumbai in the 11^th, Water Kingdom happened to be on the itinerary and a few friends and I got into the wrong side of the wave pool, completely oblivious to it until the lifeguard announced it over a microphone. Hmmm… was rather embarrassing!

Lesson #13:

When you accidentally lean over a guy sitting next to you on a train, you don’t turn to him and say “Oh shit.. I’m so sorry, I thought you were a suitcase!”

Hahahahahaha… My Lil’ Manipid did that during our excursion! Haha.. she didn’t realize that she was leaning with her back on a guy until we told her and that’s what she turned and said to him! Lol.

Lesson #14:

When you’re eating pani puri with your friends, it’s advisable not to stuff a HUGE one in your mouth and try to shove it down your throat because your friends will burst out laughing and the pani (the green water thingey) will probably come out through your nose.

In Esha’s case, the pani apparently came out through her eyes.. and this made us laugh even harder! Hahahaha…!

Lesson #15:

When someone's taking a group picture for you and they say "Say cheeeeeese!", the ideal response should be to smile widely and not say "NO" to the person.

Chong-chong my darling, that goes out to you! Muah! Lol. Loved your response to the McDonald's guy baby!

Lesson #16:

When you're having yoga classes in school and asked to lie down in 'shavasan' (a posture in yoga that basically just requires one to lie down on the floor!), refrain from falling asleep because everyone around you will sit up when they are asked to and will notice that you have not budged for the past twenty minutes!

Esha!!! I know that you don't want me to mention this here (be glad I'm not mentioning the other stuff!) but this was way too funny! Oh my goodness.. I will never forget that yoga class and the way Misbah had to wake you up!

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Well I've learnt a lot more than mentioned above, but as usual, I lose my patience trying to type it all out. Hope this has been an educational and "enlightening" experience for you!

Just Beyond Me

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Ah…the wonderful world of Organic Chemistry…where the carbon atom is the supreme ruler of the side-chain universe. A universe governed by nomenclature, catalysts, temperatures, pressures, functional groups, isomers and the likes. In short – an abstruse universe that makes utterly no sense to me and basically, a universe I don’t give a rat’s ass about.

With less than a week left for my exams, my conscience finally pricked so hard that I just HAD to open my dreaded chemistry book (read: BLOCK…it really resembles a block of solid concrete…and its just as hard to open and weighs approximately 12 kgs!) and glance at the hundreds and thousands of pages, full of equations and gibberish in some other language that just escapes my understanding of the subject. “Ok….”, I think to myself, “You can do this…c’mon girl…you show ‘em who’s boss!”…So I begin my conquest…"Ok… calm down…this is making sense…(isn’t it?)…Chill maadi”…But another nasty voice somewhere inside my head screams, “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU KIDDING MATE?!”. I decide to try a little harder and put a little more effort into it…but alas, its not working. My brain cells are DYING. They’re pounding against my impenetrable skull (which comes along with an in-built organic-chemistry-barrier)…they’re screaming, "LET ME OUT...have some mercy on us!!!!” Aaaargh….I can’t take it anymore! I try restraining them with my mind’s invisible hands (yes, HANDS…just like a mind’s eye!)…Oh no…They’re too strong! Finally…my iron will manages to vanquish their vain efforts (yeah right!).

My book currently turned to the chapter – Alcohols, I begin to feel thirsty. I’m losing my focus. Ok…one shot of vodka won’t do any harm. Now, I shift my undivided attention back to chemistry.

WHY the hell would anybody care about what temperature, pressure and catalyst is required for ethylene glycol and acetaldehyde to give cyclic acetal? Oh, by the way, I should probably mention that it has to be treated with p-toulenesulphonic acid (say what?!)

Page 216743265765:

Inter-conversion of alcohols:

Half the goddamn chapter is based solely on this!

Add acidified potassium dichromate solution to a secondary alcohol in order to obtain a blessed ketone. Then add a Grignard reagent to give an alkoxy magnesium bromide compound, which then undergoes acidic hydrolysis to give a tertiary alcohol.

Splendid isn’t it? I THINK NOT! All I see when I read the above is, “One quarter of vodka + one shot of tequila + 2 pegs of white rum + a lil’ Bailey’s Irish Cream = One hell of a drink…I must try this out!” What useful information is this textbook giving me anyway? Do they ever mention how to convert vodka into gin? NO! When you’re relishing a Breezer, do you ever consider all the conked-up chemical reactions that were forced upon the poor, innocent reactants that had to exchange Avogadro's number of molecules, ions, electrons...WHATEVER, in order to produce the drink? Ok…maybe I should’ve just stuck to one shot of vodka with juice instead of three…Hmmm…. These compounds look pretty…OoooooOooooooOOo…. Ethanoic acid…Yummy…. The page is a blur now…. Hey…are the arrows leading from the reactants to the products supposed to be dancing on and off the page? Wow…I love yrtsimehc…I mean, chemistry.

Yep…that’s about all I can really recall from my last attempt to stuff chemistry into my head…the last thing I remember thinking was, “Hmmm organic chemistry and vodka aren’t compatible reactants when passing-the-exam is supposed to be the product…Wish I had a magical catalyst!"

I leave you with a taunting image of our blessed text books...torn and tattered as they are, an object of my anger...