Survival Cooking

Of late, I’ve been experimenting around in the kitchen. No, I’m not suicidal, although it would seem that way if you observed the manner in which I ‘cook’ or if you are one of those misfortunate enough to have been subjected to my culinary skills. So here are some handy tips and don’t-try-at-home’s for anyone who intends to follow in my stead (What? I can’t flatter myself?!).

Today, we will be dealing with the steps involved in making Fried Rice. You will be updated on other recipes, tips and the likes, once I learn how to (or how not to) cook something else. Even with Mum giving me careful instructions over the phone (along with desperate pleas from her side, asking me why I couldn’t just order some food), I managed to make a mess of it. Not surprising, really. But let me assure you that you are in safe hands. I know what I’m doing (I didn’t initially, but after all the mishaps, I do now).

Let’s get started..

Step 1: Put rice in rice cooker [Tip: Remember to switch it on]

Step 2: While waiting for the rice to cook (assuming that you turned the rice cooker on), get started with the stuff that you mix with the rice... What’s it called again? Hmm... so it looks my dream of being a chef on television has been defaecated on by rats.

Step 3: So where were we again? Rats? I don’t eat rats. Do you?
[Tip: Stay focused, cowboy/cowgirl.. you’re in a hazardous area, .i.e. the kitchen.. Even a tiny lapse in attention could get you killed, or burn the house down in any case]

Step 4: Oh yes, the stuff that is to be mixed with the rice! Finely slice onions, carrots, beans and capsicum. If you’re going to be adding salami and/or egg, remember to precook it before you consider doing anything fancy with it, genius.
[Tip: Again, pay attention.. you don’t want to slice your fingers off. Don’t worry if the vegetables aren’t sliced to perfection.. it ain’t about the presentation. All that matters is that the end product is edible, which is the whole point of cooking anyway]

Step 5: Preheat a saucepan, add oil and wait for it to heat. Add ginger-garlic paste and stir for a few seconds.
[Tip: Stand back while adding the ginger-garlic paste.. the oil splatters.. and you end up getting ugly blisters wherever the oil burns your skin! Also, when someone says stir for a few seconds, they usually mean it. You don’t want to end up with a black mass having the same consistency as charcoal.]

Step 6: Add the veggies, stir for a few seconds, cover the saucepan with a lid and leave it to simmer for 3-5 minutes.
[Tip: Sitting and harvesting crops on FarmVille while something’s cooking on the stove doesn’t do wonders to one’s sense of timing.]

Step 7: I’m not really sure when the salami and/or egg, if any, comes into the picture. I suppose that it’s here. Meh.. be a little adventurous. So go ahead and add it to the hopefully-not-burnt stuff in the saucepan.

Step 8: Get the rice out of the rice cooker after it’s done. Let it cool for some time, lest it should become a gooey mass when mixed with the stuff in the saucepan. Ok, I’m tired of typing ‘the stuff in the saucepan’ over and over again.. Since I don’t know what it’s called, let’s just call it Chemical X (which reminds me that it’s been a while since I watched the PowerPuff Girls).ordered

Step 9: If you haven’t fallen asleep while waiting for the rice to cool or grown tired and from the closest food-joint that delivers, go ahead and bravely mix Chemical X and the rice.

Step 10: Isn’t there something I’m forgetting? Oh that’s right – salt, pepper and soya sauce. Two pinches of salt, two pinches of pepper and a wee bit of soya sauce should do the trick. If it doesn’t, just add more till it tastes right, or in this case, till it tastes good enough to be ingested. Mix thoroughly.

Step 11: Now this is the most crucial part. Feed Fried Rice to an unsuspecting victim
[Tip: Make it seem like you went through all the trouble of cooking it just for them and smile sweetly.. No, don’t smile like a deranged serial killer, that’s just plain creepy]

Step 12: Wait for 10-15 minutes. If victim is still alive and happy, and showing no particular signs of gastric discomfort, proceed to eat your creation.

Step 13: Pat yourself on the back and remember to thank Devathi Parashuram.

So until we meet again next time, bon appetite! Watch out for my show on Discovery Channel. It’s called Survival Cooking.. I’m giving Bear Grylls and his show, Man vs. Wild, a run for their money.