If You're Pissed Off and You Know It Publish A Post

There are people who are perfect relationship-material and there are people like me – the exact opposite. I cannot, for the life of me, be caught dead in a relationship beyond a certain point of time (usually less than two months). Of course, I don’t exactly have a track record to actually be working out the statistics or be even talking about how I’m a relationship-impaired person. All I can say is that I’m way too free-spirited to be tied down to one fucktard of a guy. I’m narrowing it down to the stereotypical boyfriend-girlfriend relationships here since I seem to be relatively normal when it comes to relationships with other people (the criteria for judgement being that my family hasn’t disowned me yet).

This note probably will, and I hope it does, offend a lot of people, but it isn’t one of my primary concerns (read: I don’t give a flying f*ck what you think). If you have issues with what you probably think you’ll be reading about in the following paragraphs, you can just stop right here. With that said and done, let me proceed with my rant.

Where was I? Ah yes. Relationships. Dating. Couples. I want to take all of them asinine teenage couples who think they’re soooooo in love, make them lie down side by side on sticky fly paper, roll them up in it and flush them down the filthiest pot that can be found in a public toilet. The world would be a better place without them. This is why:

1. There would be no hype over Valentine’s Day – what you’re going to wear, where you’re going to go, what you’re going to do, where you’re going to snog, what to gift him/her. May Saint Valentine go give himself a handjob. God bless him.
2. It would spare your friends the tremendous effort of rolling their eyes after each time they hear about how you and your boy/girl had this massive, nerve-wrecking argument over why he/she called only thrice the previous day.
3. There would be lesser eyesores. If you ever thought graffiti and men peeing out in the open was an visually distasteful, you haven’t seen couples and their PDAs (public displays of affection), have you?
4. It’s economical. No more spending all your allowance on some douchebag who probably has his tongue down some hot chick’s throat at the very moment you purchase a Ferrari sweatshirt for him.
5. It does wonders for your appearance. No more late night/early morning conversations over the phone, resulting in dark circles and other symptoms of sleep deprivation. Did you know that sleep deprivation causes one to age faster? Bet you didn’t. Dump him/her already. No more creases on your forehead from constantly bickering either.
6. You might have noticed the following pattern in conversations:
a. Single person – Single person = A whole variety of conversational topics
b. Single person – Committed person = Fewer conversational topics, while talking about their supposed-love-of-their-life is given priority over how you met with a freak accident and lost a limb the previous night.
c. Committed person – Committed person = The conversations in this case are SO mundane that they barely even qualify as conversations, so much so as inane rambling.
7. A lot of memory cells will be saved and can later be used to store information that is genuinely important, unlike monthly anniversaries.
8. You don’t have to endure countless pseudo-break ups following every trivial fight, followed by the days of torment after and the final kiss-and-make-up scene. *wipes tear away*... Oh so precious!
9. Lesser demand for ‘rubber’, which means lesser rubber cultivations and lesser deforestation to support rubber cultivations. Be eco-friendly and stay single. (Not implying that single people don’t get laid.. I’m not going into the statistics here, but I presume that couples have greater need for rubber)
10. Freedom. This is by far the most motivating factor. You have the freedom to NOT notify a certain someone about your whereabouts every minute; the freedom to speak without having to insert a ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘babycakes’ and whatever other strange terms of endearment in every sentence; the freedom to hang out with your friends without making it seem like you are compromising quality time with your little cherub *barfs*; the freedom to talk to members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if you’re bi/homosexual) without arousing suspicion; and the freedom to be accountable only to yourself (unless you have freakishly controlling parents/family.

Like Sunil once said (when he was still single and not necessarily unhappy), when you’re single you can really mingle. I now raise a toast to those with enough balls to stand alone and brave the odds of looking totally un-dateable. . !

Chilled Out!!

[Note for those who don’t already know: I now live with my sister and her husband, Vinod, in Chennai]

When all is quiet in the dead of the night and creatures of the dark lurk stealthily in the shadows, you hear a low rumbling noise. It grows louder and then fades away, only to repeat the same pattern over and over again. What could it be? You step out from the shelter of the bedroom and walk into the kitchen, and find yourself closer to the source of the strange noise. You break into a cold sweat, your fingernails digging deep into your palms, your trembling legs ready to turn and sprint at the slightest indication... and then, you find yourself standing in front of a solid white object. The rumbling noise seems to reverberate through it, as it stands slightly taller than you and much wider than you. Congratulations, you just bumped into our refrigerator! :)

My profuse apologies, I should have warned you about our refrigerator before you decided to spend the night at our place! By now you would have figured that it’s like Frankenstein’s creation, threatening to come to life any minute. What you haven’t figured out yet though is that our refrigerator is my laboratory, much like Frankenstein’s (maybe even cooler). When my sister and Vinod first bought him (yes, the refrigerator), they didn’t realize how he would change our lives, especially mine.

Maybe a little background information might help to better explain our predicament. We eat out a lot and order home delivery quite a bit as well, which directly results in us packing a lot of leftover food. We also go grocery shopping very often. While this may not sound particularly shocking, it is meant to be. Can you imagine parcel after parcel of leftover food being tossed into the fridge, along with the most recently acquired groceries, while at the same time nothing ever leaves the fridge? Yep, think of the whole Black Hole concept (I’m talking about Physics, so don’t let your probably-perverse mind wander), apply it to our fridge, and voila... there you have it – the principle on which our refrigerator works! You also gain a thorough understanding of how matter cannot be destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another, or in this case, from food to something-not-even-remotely-edible.

It’s just a frickin’ refrigerator after all, so why am I fussing over it, you ask? What can I say? This isn’t just any other refrigerator! Have your career choices ever been influenced by your refrigerator? I doubt it, but well... mine have. How, you ask? Microbiology, archaeology, physics... name it and my refrigerator has trained me in it! I have seen strains of bacteria, fungi and mould growing on the old rotting food in there that would be the envy of any microbiologist, who would be ever so eager to get his/her hands on a few samples from our very own fridge! I could start minting money if only I decided to culture these microorganisms and fungi, and commercially sell them. Along the same lines, Centres for Disease Control are going to be begging me to join their ranks, what with my indispensible experience with innumerable cases of food poisoning and other gastric diseases! Archaeology – have you ever carbon dated your food because it’s so archaic that you fail to remember which era you bought it in? I have. Physics – I have great expertise in this field, as I have already mentioned, so yes I might just decide to become a physicist. Watch out for that giant pendulum (random, please ignore)!

Lastly, our blessed refrigerator has done wonders for my health. Not only has it fortified my immune system after continual consumption of stale food, but it also gives me just the right amount of exercise needed every day. Don’t believe me? You should try shoving things into a refrigerator that’s ready to vomit out its contents each time the door is opened even by a crack. It also improves your reflexes because you have to be ready to catch things before they hit the kitchen floor (messy floor = angry sister on a rampage).

And this, this was a tribute to the most awesome refrigerator anybody could ever ask for. I’ll remember to thank Him when I win my Nobel Prize! :)

P.S. I might get sued by my sister for writing about HER fridge (as she likes to call him) without her permission, so if you don’t see any of my random status messages on your news feeds, you know that I’ve been thrown into juvenile prison. (Judicial proceeding baffle me, but I suppose that’s how it works no?)