Just Beyond Me

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Ah…the wonderful world of Organic Chemistry…where the carbon atom is the supreme ruler of the side-chain universe. A universe governed by nomenclature, catalysts, temperatures, pressures, functional groups, isomers and the likes. In short – an abstruse universe that makes utterly no sense to me and basically, a universe I don’t give a rat’s ass about.

With less than a week left for my exams, my conscience finally pricked so hard that I just HAD to open my dreaded chemistry book (read: BLOCK…it really resembles a block of solid concrete…and its just as hard to open and weighs approximately 12 kgs!) and glance at the hundreds and thousands of pages, full of equations and gibberish in some other language that just escapes my understanding of the subject. “Ok….”, I think to myself, “You can do this…c’mon girl…you show ‘em who’s boss!”…So I begin my conquest…"Ok… calm down…this is making sense…(isn’t it?)…Chill maadi”…But another nasty voice somewhere inside my head screams, “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU KIDDING MATE?!”. I decide to try a little harder and put a little more effort into it…but alas, its not working. My brain cells are DYING. They’re pounding against my impenetrable skull (which comes along with an in-built organic-chemistry-barrier)…they’re screaming, "LET ME OUT...have some mercy on us!!!!” Aaaargh….I can’t take it anymore! I try restraining them with my mind’s invisible hands (yes, HANDS…just like a mind’s eye!)…Oh no…They’re too strong! Finally…my iron will manages to vanquish their vain efforts (yeah right!).

My book currently turned to the chapter – Alcohols, I begin to feel thirsty. I’m losing my focus. Ok…one shot of vodka won’t do any harm. Now, I shift my undivided attention back to chemistry.

WHY the hell would anybody care about what temperature, pressure and catalyst is required for ethylene glycol and acetaldehyde to give cyclic acetal? Oh, by the way, I should probably mention that it has to be treated with p-toulenesulphonic acid (say what?!)

Page 216743265765:

Inter-conversion of alcohols:

Half the goddamn chapter is based solely on this!

Add acidified potassium dichromate solution to a secondary alcohol in order to obtain a blessed ketone. Then add a Grignard reagent to give an alkoxy magnesium bromide compound, which then undergoes acidic hydrolysis to give a tertiary alcohol.

Splendid isn’t it? I THINK NOT! All I see when I read the above is, “One quarter of vodka + one shot of tequila + 2 pegs of white rum + a lil’ Bailey’s Irish Cream = One hell of a drink…I must try this out!” What useful information is this textbook giving me anyway? Do they ever mention how to convert vodka into gin? NO! When you’re relishing a Breezer, do you ever consider all the conked-up chemical reactions that were forced upon the poor, innocent reactants that had to exchange Avogadro's number of molecules, ions, electrons...WHATEVER, in order to produce the drink? Ok…maybe I should’ve just stuck to one shot of vodka with juice instead of three…Hmmm…. These compounds look pretty…OoooooOooooooOOo…. Ethanoic acid…Yummy…. The page is a blur now…. Hey…are the arrows leading from the reactants to the products supposed to be dancing on and off the page? Wow…I love yrtsimehc…I mean, chemistry.

Yep…that’s about all I can really recall from my last attempt to stuff chemistry into my head…the last thing I remember thinking was, “Hmmm organic chemistry and vodka aren’t compatible reactants when passing-the-exam is supposed to be the product…Wish I had a magical catalyst!"

I leave you with a taunting image of our blessed text books...torn and tattered as they are, an object of my anger...