I Love Taylor Swift (Not)

[If you don’t get sarcasm, please stop reading right here]

Oh my God… Taylor Swift… aaaaaaaa… *swoons*

Gah.

Why in heaven’s name Fearless won Best Album of the Year at the 52^nd Grammy Awards is just beyond me. It’s almost understandable that a majority of the male race jacks off to her picture and her voice (I really DO know a guy who does that. Hint: He’s been tagged) – she is undeniably beautiful and her voice is nice and all, but to let her walk away with such a prestigious award is crossing the line. It’s blasphemy!

Let’s step back and take a close look at Taylor Swift’s target audience:

- Girls from the age of 8-13 who have just had their first crush. Awww... how cute!

- Girls from the age of 13-18 who just haven’t been able to grow up and still fantasize about unicorns and pretty pink ribbons

- Women – yes, quite a few of them dig her songs. Why? *shrugs*… I don’t know. Maybe it’s one the lesser known effects of sexual frustration

- Boys and men of all ages – it’s not so much the songs they dig as the videos and her pretty face (and maybe the rest of her anatomy as well)

All in all though, there are a greater number of people who absolutely hate her music than there are delusional fans. The high school themes which all her songs seem to revolve around are just pathetic. She quite obviously wrote and sang these songs when she was pms-ing. Why else would somebody go on endlessly about some boy in class who didn’t give them a second glance? Thu.

For those of you who’ve missed out on her ‘sensational’ album, Fearless, here are some of the highlights:

1. Fearless (title track) – This one is supposed to be about the fearlessness of falling in love. However, it’s basically about her dancing around in her best dress with some boy she likes. She would even go to the extent of dancing with him in a storm. Throw in some first kisses and lots of driving around in his car, and there you have it, the gist of the song.

2. Fifteen – A song that her 15 year old fans can totally relate to (I told ya so!), apparently. This song is about first dates, believing someone when they tell you they love you and dating.

3. Love Story – Ugh. Wannabe Romeo and Juliet. Need I say anymore? Please just go listen to it. I cannot bring myself to write about it without gagging. The video is the only saving grace here, considering that she looks stunningly beautiful in the dress she’s wearing.

4. White Horse – This is about an oh-so-painful break up. Bring on the waterworks. Ms. Swift realizes a bit too late that she isn’t a princess and that she isn’t living in a fairytale. Heartbreaking discovery, isn’t it?

5. You Belong With Me – Do you see a pattern here? Again, it’s about boys and dating. She knows his favourite songs, gets his humour, wears t-shirts and sits on the bleachers. Somehow, this is all supposed to translate into how he belongs with her.

6. Tear Drops On My Guitar – This isn’t a part of the album, but I threw in a freebie. Yippee! So this song is just like any other song that she’s ever written or performed. Girl likes boy. Boy likes another girl. Poor dejected Taylor Swift has teardrops on her guitar and I have to blink back tears each time that happens because she ends up writing another asinine song that goes on to become a hit single.

With that said and done, I can’t wait for Taylor Swift’s next album. Woohoo! *jumps up and down eagerly* Maybe she’ll grow a brain by then. Maybe.

So you think you can dance?

No, I don’t.

I KNOW that I can’t dance.

Sounds familiar? Yes? Then you’re one of my fellow non-dancers, the type whose dance moves are limited to bobbing your head and shaking a leg every now and then, when you think someone’s watching. Welcome, welcome to the club!

Imagine this scenario: You’re at a party. The food and the drinks are great, the crowd is pleasant, and the music is groovy. Everything is going well until you see the first person stand up and start dancing. Gradually, almost everyone around you is up on their feet, moving gracefully (or at least just moving, contrary to what you’re doing), pulling off some really neat moves, and having a great time. However, it still ain’t that bad... there are a few others who are still shoving food down their throats, gulping down their drinks, sneaking off with their *special* friends or more importantly, NOT dancing. You take comfort in the presence of these few loiterers. But after a while, you look around and can’t seem to spot them. Uh-oh... you know what’s going to follow. You shut your eyes tight, refusing to look, but you already know that you’re the only person who isn’t dancing.

Having been in this situation one too many times, I’ve grown accustomed to it. If you’re a first-timer, it’s about time for you to get on your knees and bow down low in front of me. I’m going to give you THE handbook – I-Can’t-And-Really-Don’t-Want-To-Dance-But-I’d-Love-To-Just-Disappear Handbook for Dummies. Read on.

Lesson #1: Camouflage
You aren’t going to feel out of place if nobody can see you. Try blending in with the furniture, wall hangings, curtains, anything. Be creative. You can even dress for the occasion, in a black ninja suit.

Lesson #2: Fake an illness
If you are stupid enough to wear something bright and shiny and lesson #1 fails, then fake an illness. Sit in a corner with your head in your hands or recline a little while massaging your temples. Don’t overdo the acting though for you might just draw too much attention to yourself.

Lesson #3: Bladder control
Lose it. Drink plenty of water or other fluids of your choice. Visit the loo often (say about once every ten minutes). If somebody asks, you suffer from my-sphincter-doesn’t-exist syndrome.

Lesson #4: Look for allies
a) If you’re lucky, you’ll find others like you. Round them up and build an army of non-dancers. Together you can defeat any force that compels you to dance.
b) If you can’t find other people like you, keep an eye out for pets. For example, if you see a dog (friendly one, hopefully), pet him/her. Make friends with him. He is going to be your ally for the night. Take him for a walk, feed him... you get the idea.

Lesson #5: Imitation
In the unlikely event that your army is defeated and you, their leader, are dragged onto the dance floor and thrust into the company of all those dancers, improvise. Look around and try to imitate some moves. But remember, staring is impolite. So is copying EVERYTHING the people around you are doing.

Lesson #6: Stealth
After noticing that failed attempt at dancing, people gradually lose interest in you. This is your chance, grab it. Slowly edge away from them and when you get to the door break into a run.

These six lessons should be able to keep you afloat for some time. If you want to survive the whole party, buy my book, you cheapskate. You’ll find it at your nearest bookstore.

Oh, but do wait a moment...A parting word of advice for all those who are 18 years and above: Some fluids after consumption can make you dance, and sometimes make you dance so well that you’ll shock yourself and everyone around you. ;)

Nazia, Oh Nazia!

The third year of college spells doom for me. Why? Because we won't have French or English as subjects, which basically means that I’ll spend all five hours of college everyday cooped up in my own department. *content deleted for privacy reasons*. Of course, there are a handful of exceptions when it comes to the students, one of them being Nazia, my senior who is currently in her final year. (I also take the liberty of pointing out that I’M also one of those exceptional students!)


Nazia... What can I say? She’s just as loopy as I am and maybe even worse! We can sit and bitch about our department for hours on end, and we have even had to remind ourselves to refrain from doing so when we were in our HOD’s car. Her defiance of the lecturers and their lousy neanderthalic ways instils a sense of hope in me since I do the same, and it’s always nice to see a senior get away with it. The lecturers absolutely hate her guts and her attitude but cannot do anything about it because of her amazing grades.


Nazia and I are usually forced into zoology-related debates and oratorical competitions, which is a result of being some of the only people in our department who are fluent enough to be able to string sentences together in English. We also end up participating in various interdepartmental culturals held in other colleges for the same reason (and also because we jump at the opportunity of missing college). During one such seminar we were forced to attend in Anna University, we snuck out of the seminar hall when the three lecturers who accompanied us weren’t looking, took a long stroll around the campus, bought ice cream and ended up talking about the most random things until the seminar ended a few hours later. New College, Stella Maris, Loyola, and MCC... I would not have endured either of them if it hadn’t been for her!


She is just the coolest, most entertaining person around. Her caffeine addiction, randomness and sense of humour make her even more endearing. She writes incredibly well, and her notes on Facebook and her blog are testimony to this. She has come to define what are now termed as ‘Nazia moments’. She embarrasses herself more often than not and then laughs it off. She stalks people, watches a lot of random movies and knows more celebrity gossip than Ryan Seacrest. She is just awesome!


Devathi: Nazia, don’t go... I’ll dieeee without you in the department.

Nazia: Yeah, you will.


So on that bright note, I shall conclude by saying that I’m dreading a whole year of being stuck in the Department of Advanced Zoology and Biotechnology without her to lighten things up!

You Know You're a Tomboy When..

• You looked or at least tried to look like a guy for most part of your childhood (and carried it on into your adulthood, perhaps)
• You played with cars, bikes and action figures, unlike all the other little girls you knew
• The concept of accessorizing and matching clothes with shoes and handbags is lost on you
• The only make-up you’ve ever used has been restricted to the occasional lip balm and kohl
• You feel awkward when dressed up femininely
• Elegance escapes you
• You haven’t the faintest idea as to how to paint your nails
• You are more comfortable hanging out with boys than with a gang of girls
• You are in the company of boys so often that you begin to think like one
• Your guy friends consider you as one of them
• You buy your tees in the men’s section
• You, unlike most women, do not think shopping is a sport
• You chug down beer with the boys and burp along with them
• Your parents are worried that you’ll run off to Brazil and get a sex change
• You walk like a guy
• You attempt to bound up a flight of stairs in a dress or a saree
• Your footwear is limited to sneakers and floaters
• You have broad manly feet due to your choice of footwear and as a result do not find any of those pretty shoes that actually fit you
• You do a clumsy balancing act on the rare occasions when you get yourself to wear high heels (that are actually broad enough for your feet)
• You take approximately ten minutes to get dressed and get out of the house while your other female friends are still deciding what to wear
• You’d rather watch an action movie than a romantic comedy starring the most metro sexual guy in the history of acting
• You just don’t get chick flicks or understand why other women cry at the end
• You prefer backpacks to those oh-so-fancy handbags
• You don’t mind getting a bit of dirt on your clothes and hands
• You grow up and begin to bear some semblance to the female race, but on the inside you are as tomboyish as ever
• You read a note like this and nod along enthusiastically

Once a tomboy, always a tomboy.