Be Scared, Be Very Scared

When you were a little kid, your parents would have taught you to look left and right before crossing the street. Did they also teach you to scream and run while doing so? No? You have some catching up to do then because I, Devathi Parashuram, now have a valid Learner’s Licence that permits me to sit behind the wheel of any car so long as it has an ‘L’ sign on the windshield.

As of today, I have successfully finished 20 classes at driving school. To say that I can drive now is a blatant exaggeration. I can’t, but I try, and that... that is a scary thought, isn’t it? Devathi trying to drive. I’m putting my ego on the line by writing this, but I figured that a warning had to be issued in public interest.

During those 20 classes, there wasn’t a single day when my instructor didn’t groan audibly when he saw me each morning. Three days down the line, he thought I just needed time to get used to shifting gears while simultaneously maintaining pressure on the clutch and accelerator. Fifteen days later, he had completely relinquished any hopes of my ever learning to drive. “Most of my students get progressively better,” he said exasperatedly, “But you just seem to be getting worse!” Oh well, can’t blame the poor guy.

In my defence though, I get easily distracted by pretty trees, dogs, early morning joggers, puddles, post boxes, bus stands, funny road signs that say HUMP, sports bikes, Sankey Tank, oddly shaped clouds, anything. So you can imagine what a mammoth task it was for me to actually focus on the road ahead and the traffic around me, not to mention potholes, speed breakers, and pedestrians. Harder still was paying attention to his instructions. ADHD and spacing out constantly haven’t ever paid off for me. “Speed limit 20 kmph,” he’d warn me. With my foot on the gas, I don’t think I ever adhered to that. That was when he would start shouting, “It’s my job to not only keep you safe but also to keep everyone outside this car safe!” “Ok,” I’d nod and continue doing everything wrong.

I’d also like to make a special mention of how my instructor never wore his seatbelt until our third class together, after which he religiously strapped himself in and looked nervously at me whenever I got into the driver’s seat. I’d like to think that I taught him the value of life, the importance of living every moment, and all that. What he would have done without me, I wonder.

I’m a creative person. Nobody can deny that. My new venture is road-kill art. I need a photographer to accompany me on drives and take pictures of my artwork though since the canvas isn’t going to be portable. Anybody game enough? Anyone?